“Hey there y’all. Welcome to the Hairylegs Household. Before I let you come in I’m going to give you a quick guide. This is the advice I give to all prospective mates for my sisters, so don’t feel special.
To pass this point you must be straight, fully-abled, middle class, white and male. Previous experiences with surfboards, motorcycles or vans disqualifies you from entry. If you chew with your mouth open you should probably go home now. Here is a brief helpful pamphlet.
The Patriarch: Capable of doing advanced math and remembering the plot of every book he’s ever read. Incapable of putting his dishes in the dishwasher. Thinks The Dark Knight failed as a movie because Maggie Gyllenhaal isn’t pretty enough.
He will quiz you on your university prospects and school work. Selective editing is key. Mention your physics class but don’t mention that you’re doing visual arts. Mention Sydney Uni, UNSW and Melbourne. Don’t even think of mentioning alternative options to university.
He believes it is his right and duty to pontificate on women’s bodies. Whether he be talking about his fifteen year old daughter or famous Hollywood actresses just nod and smile. Don’t be too supportive or act in anyway that he might construe as lustful. Despite being a pornsick weasel who believes it is his right to ogle every woman on the planet, he believes we belong to him. Referring to my sisters in a context outside of doing homework together isn’t advisable.
Whatever you do, don’t disagree with him.
Mother Dearest: She is easy to please, having to put up with my father for over two decades. She is far too busy to care about you or your life. To make her happy use a napkin at the table and a condom when sleeping with her daughters.
Please remember to look at the exhibits once inside. Next to the embarrassing baby photos lies our heirloom castrating knife. I take this moment to remind you that all mobile phones should be sw-Oh, you suddenly remember an urgent appointment? Kthnxbai.”