Which is probably fair given the task requirements and my handwriting. I thought you guys might like it better, I’ve kept in all the little errors and squicky sentences. I resisted temptation to add anything more, although I would bribe someone with megabucks if students were allowed to do their HSC on a computer and edit things. The spacing of this story suits itself to paper, the computer screen condenses it a little too much but I think the feeling of the story remains.
“And then he said what goes around comes around”
“I know, who does he think he is? That Kung Fu guy?”
“Dude, shut up, let’s watch the show”
Antony sat down, unimpressed by Kyle’s reaction to his thrilling tale. The opening credits for Good Cop, Bad Cops rolled onto the screen and Antony could feel his veins thrumming at the renewal of his weekly ritual. The Everyday Cop has just found his wife cheating on him with his best friend and was busy getting drunk in a bar with his workmates, despite having a shift in two hours. Antony smiled, he knew the Boss would chew on the Everyday Cop for this and that they might fully resolve the sexual tension between them.
The bartenders were all attractive women who began to dance on the bar. The camera shifted away from the Everyday Cop downing his umpteenth beer, towards the dancers who had inexplicably grown cowboy hats. They chose a college boy to dance with them, to the delight of his friends. The camera shifted back to the cop table, resting on the Grizzled Old Cop. His hair was peppered with grey and the ever-present cigar hung from his lips. “How come they always get a college boy up there? Society is so ageist!”
“And racist” put in the Token Black Cop
“Don’t forget ableist” said the Tough-As-Nuts Lawyer who was put in a wheelchair after the season two carcrash.
“And homophobic” said the Hawt Lesbian Cop glumly.
“Nah, look at those girls on the bar, they’re kissing each other. Wouldn’t have have happened in my day.” answered the Grizzled Cop.
“I guess you’re right” smiled the Hawt Lesbian Cop and as if they were all controlled by the same puppetmaster, they drank in unison.
“Woah” said Kyle, his eyes wide.
“Edgy” agreed Antony.
Antony smiled as the commercial started. He could imagine himself as Super Cop, the toast of the station. He would fight crime and shoot the bad guys. He would learn how to sharpshoot and in his spare time he would learn languages, just not Klingon like the nerdy lab dude.
As a commercial advertising lounge chairs blared in the background Antony imagined himself in a lounge chair at one of the famous pool parties. The Hawt Lesbian Cop would be in her swimsuit and-
“Dude!” said Kyle
“What?” asked Antony
Annoyed by Kyle interrupting his daydream Antony stayed silent the rest of the show, thinking. Hearts were broken, mended and broken again. The bad guys were put away after a drawn out chase in which the Everyday Cop featured heroically. Up next was Good Cop, Bad Cops and Bad People, the spin off that had become more successful than the original show. In the ad break Kyle scissored and Antony rocked, so Kyle had to get the snacks. Antony settled back for a relaxing evening.
“And then she said that television was the opiate of the people and that every journey begins with a first step”
“I know! I told her about that Kung Fu guy and she said he was confusing and I was like, I could have told you that.”
“Dude, shut up, it’s about to start!”
As Antony settled back to watch Supernatural High, he felt something was missing.
Marker’s Comments: You need to be aware of your marker audience to some extent. At times I’m not quite sure what you were doing and at others I can see what might a parody. Make it clear.
What points do you think I was making? I feel like we have to walk a fine line between understandable and original in terms of style. In terms of substance we have to show, not tell, relying on teachers who have to mark crappy essays/ stories for hours to get the point. I thought I had walked that line but apparently not.