Posted by: hellonhairylegs | September 7, 2008

This is Worth 73% (Forty Minute Composition Task)

Which is probably fair given the task requirements and my handwriting. I thought you guys might like it better, I’ve kept in all the little errors and squicky sentences. I resisted temptation to add anything more, although I would bribe someone with megabucks if students were allowed to do their HSC on a computer and edit things. The spacing of this story suits itself to paper, the computer screen condenses it a little too much but I think the feeling of the story remains.

“And then he said what goes around comes around”

“Huh?”

“I know, who does he think he is? That Kung Fu guy?”

“Dude, shut up, let’s watch the show”

Antony sat down, unimpressed by Kyle’s reaction to his thrilling tale. The opening credits for Good Cop, Bad Cops rolled onto the screen and Antony could feel his veins thrumming at the renewal of his weekly ritual. The Everyday Cop has just found his wife cheating on him with his best friend and was busy getting drunk in a bar with his workmates, despite having a shift in two hours. Antony smiled, he knew the Boss would chew on the Everyday Cop for this and that they might fully resolve the sexual tension between them.

The bartenders were all attractive women who began to dance on the bar. The camera shifted away from the Everyday Cop downing his umpteenth beer, towards the dancers who had inexplicably grown cowboy hats. They chose a college boy to dance with them, to the delight of his friends. The camera shifted back to the cop table, resting on the Grizzled Old Cop. His hair was peppered with grey and the ever-present cigar hung from his lips. “How come they always get a college boy up there? Society is so ageist!”

“And racist” put in the Token Black Cop

“Don’t forget ableist” said the Tough-As-Nuts Lawyer who was put in a wheelchair after the season two carcrash.

“And homophobic” said the Hawt Lesbian Cop glumly.

“Nah, look at those girls on the bar, they’re kissing each other. Wouldn’t have have happened in my day.” answered the Grizzled Cop.

“I guess you’re right” smiled the Hawt Lesbian Cop and as if they were all controlled by the same puppetmaster, they drank in unison. 

“Woah” said Kyle, his eyes wide.

“Edgy” agreed Antony.

Antony smiled as the commercial started. He could imagine himself as Super Cop, the toast of the station. He would fight crime and shoot the bad guys. He would learn how to sharpshoot and in his spare time he would learn languages, just not Klingon like the nerdy lab dude.

As a commercial advertising lounge chairs blared in the background Antony imagined himself in a lounge chair at one of the famous pool parties. The Hawt Lesbian Cop would be in her swimsuit and-

“Dude!” said Kyle

“What?” asked Antony

“You’re drooling.”

“Oh.”

Annoyed by Kyle interrupting his daydream Antony stayed silent the rest of the show, thinking. Hearts were broken, mended and broken again. The bad guys were put away after a drawn out chase in which the Everyday Cop featured heroically. Up next was Good Cop, Bad Cops and Bad People, the spin off that had become more successful than the original show. In the ad break Kyle scissored and Antony rocked, so Kyle had to get the snacks. Antony settled back for a relaxing evening.

“And then she said that television was the opiate of the people and that every journey begins with a first step”

“Huh?”

“I know! I told her about that Kung Fu guy and she said he was confusing and I was like, I could have told you that.”

“Dude, shut up, it’s about to start!”

As Antony settled back to watch Supernatural High, he felt something was missing.

Marker’s Comments: You need to be aware of your marker audience to some extent. At times I’m not quite sure what you were doing and at others I can see what might a parody. Make it clear.

What points do you think I was making? I feel like we have to walk a fine line between understandable and original in terms of style. In terms of substance we have to show, not tell, relying on teachers who have to mark crappy essays/ stories for hours to get the point. I thought I had walked that line but apparently not.

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Responses

  1. You people still watch TV? How quaint!

  2. I liked it, and thought the sarcasm came through nicely.
    I also think “be aware of your marker audience” might translate to “you’re having those nasty independent thoughts again. what have I told you about being a freethinker? be a good little girl.” However, I don’t know how your skool system works, or what your markers are grading on or for precisely. so just a shot in the dark.

  3. Hey Hellon, Spiders here from IBTP. Is this from your trial?
    I can never get why originality is included in the marking criteria. Original is the last thing they want you to be.

    Good luck with the HSC.

  4. That’s good storytelling for a forty minute exercise under pressure. You’ve got the story in a story thing happening and the pace is good, the reader is carried through the story by the momentum. There’s intelligence and a good eye in the TV show parody too. It’s clever and quite original. I couldn’t quite connect the conversation between the viewers and the events in the TV show, maybe that’s what your marker meant too. Besides writing and numbers don’t go together, 72 per cent 98.9 percent, one quadzillion and three percent, what does it mean? The main thing as the writer is whether you are happy with it. Did you achieve what you wanted to achieve and did you learn something from doing it? Your writing shows a lot of promise, it has energy, purpose and a lot of intelligence, not just this piece but the earlier posts too. You should definitely keep going.

  5. SL- I think that might have been what the marker was implying, but he is a pretty good teacher with lotsa liberal inclinations. All his clueless white dude moments have been matched by my clueless upper-middle class white person moments.

    Thanks Spiders! Yep, they want you to be original in style, not substance (as long as they don’t get another on-the-road piece). This was my trials; I just got the results back. Bleh.

    Maths and English don’t go together if the squabbling of the two departments is anything to judge by. Thanks for putting it like that Paul, I was fairly happy with my work, even if I would have done some things differently in retrospect. I’ll keep writing as long as I have the time.


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