Posted by: hellonhairylegs | December 4, 2008

In Which I am a Mean Feminist

Wherever did people get the idea that heterosexual women have to choose between feminism and a relationship? The idea that it is inadvisable for a woman to admit to feminism and unfair for feminists to expect women to give up their chance of being laid? Regardless, my rather unsympathetic reaction to all this is if a guy won’t have a relationship with someone because she’s a feminist, she probably shouldn’t have a relationship with him.

This isn’t to say that women can’t choose their own relationships and lives. Women don’t need to be babied in relationships, and the focus shouldn’t be on them and their bad choices (the fact that you’re a woman automatically means no matter what you’ve done, you’ve made a bad choice in someone’s eyes). The focus should be on the crappy men who do stupid shit when a woman is a feminist. If a man can’t accept a woman who asserts she’s equal to him then he needs to grow up.

Also, on a personal note, feminism is a cause worth sacrificing for. One of the reasons it is a worthy cause is because it doesn’t demand those sacrifices.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. As a heterosexual woman, I’ve found that my feminist awakening has only improved the way I negotiate my relationships. There’s nothing joyful or positive about a relationship in which you’re being treated as sub-human. Here, feminism has been all upside for me.

    And your blog is wonderful. 🙂

  2. What Chally said.

    One of the best things I ever did for my relationship was to get my boyfriend to read some radical feminist literature.

  3. Thanks, Beppie.

    Also, HHL, I’m going to try to keep what you said about focus in mind.

  4. For a while there I couldn’t read your title because “mean feminist” didn’t compute – feminism is positively joyfully pro-human and anti the mean bitter patriarchy.

    But back to the topic, I think the slogan or T-shirt motto or whatever should be: “humans don’t sleep with non-feminists”. Let’s assume this is mostly an issue for hetero relationships (although I don’t see why it shouldn’t apply to everyone): If you’re a hetero woman sleeping with a non-feminist man, he’s going to treat you like a sub-human and sex is going to be very little fun. If you’re a hetero man sleeping with a non-feminist woman, she’s likely to have all kinds of self-image issues and not be straightforward about her sex likes and dislikes, ergo sex will be very little fun. I’ve seen all shades of this: the only good sex is between two feminists. The end.

  5. *raises hand*

    Another one whose relationships have only improved as my identification with the feminist persuasion and confidence to express it has grown.

    I don’t identify with all of those “Men-amiright?” jokes, nor do I have the same complaints about my relationship as the women I know who are anti-feminist or simply not very conscious of gender issues and dynamics. For some reason, they all think I just got lucky and ended up married to a man who is not a misogynist fuckwit, as if choice and high standards had nothing to do with it.

    “Also, on a personal note, feminism is a cause worth sacrificing for. One of the reasons it is a worthy cause is because it doesn’t demand those sacrifices.” –another HHL gem!

  6. I’m going to be a crappy statistician here and say that I know I’ve read somewhere (credible!) that feminists get better sex.
    Well, duh!
    Also, what plainjane said about standards 😀
    And getting my boyfriend to read The Vagina Monologues was a bloody good idea, even if I do say it myself!

  7. nor do I have the same complaints about my relationship as the women I know who are anti-feminist or simply not very conscious of gender issues and dynamics.

    Oh, I know what you mean there– my partner has spent a huge amount of time convincing his co-workers that he and I are actually honest with each other, and they have spent a huge amount of time trying to convince him that I secretly want him to propose to me, even though I have made it explicitly clear that I do NOT want to get married. Eventually he did manage to get the message across that we actually TALK to each other and trust each other, and one guy in particular was “Wow, what a great woman she must be!”

    Then, a couple of months ago, my partner called this same co-worker out on his response to a piece of misogynist advertising, and this co-worker was all like “I don’t respect you anymore, PC gone mad!!!11!!1!”– he never even considered that this apparently oh-so-rare trust and respect between my partner and I might not have something to do with the fact that my boyfriend is aware that misogyny is, you know, BAD.

  8. HHL, your post made me cheer inside.

    I do so like your blog.

  9. I’m going to be a crappy statistician here and say that I know I’ve read somewhere (credible!) that feminists get better sex.

    I’m guessing you’re thinking of the Rutgers study, Rudman and Phelan? I took a quick look at it back here and here.

  10. Add me to the list of women who believes feminism makes relationships better. I remember telling my current partner about that Rutgers study, to which he replied, “Of course.” It may seem at times that the world is full of Maxim readers, but I find that anyone I’m interested in knowing tends to agree with me that women are human beings and that a relationship ought to be about equals communicating honestly. There isn’t any choosing between relationships and feminism for me, but I’d like to see a lot more people come to that realization and create a world in which it’s men who have to make the choice between relationships and anti-feminism.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: